Getting my geek on
My dog trainer has has requested that I read the book Pukka’s Promise. It is roughly the size of War and Peace and filled with enough sanctimony to choke the Pope.
In it, the perfect dog parent raises the perfect dog while living in the perfect environment for both of them. They eat organic foods, live in a house chosen for materials that would off gas within a month, they hunt elk to keep the dog in food, go hiking and skiing in the mountains, and send off the dog’s toys to be tested by an independent laboratory for toxins. And, they manage to do all this on just his paltry best-selling author salary!
Yesterday, I decided to take a small break from cleaning to see if I could get a couple of chapters in. I was in the middle of a huge pile of papers – mostly medical records and insurance filings for my dogs, proof of vaccinations, etc. – that all needed filing, and my dog Riley was reclining on his foam-filled orthopedic bed (probably toxic) resting his torn ACL (possibly torn because I got him neutered and the lack of sex hormones weakened his muscles.)
I stepped over Riley’s prone form (also overweight because he eats a grain based diet and doesn’t get enough exercise) and noted with dismay the dog hair that coated the microfiber furniture ( again, probably toxic), the dog toys (toxic! toxic! toxic!) that littered the floor, the dog medications, shampoos and implements that cluttered the bar, and sighed in dismay.
After locating my Kindle, I went back into the bedroom where Riley still lolled on his bed, and stepping over him once again, settled back into my chair at the center of the pile. I opened my Kindle with one hand while stacking handfuls of papers to be filed with the other. Our hero (Pukka the dog, in case you had to ask) was being served a frozen Kong toy stuffed with fresh bison pate, a treat that would both stimulate and satiate.
No sooner had I read the line and rolled my eyes when Riley raised his head and looked at my non-Kindle hand pleadingly. Puzzled, I glanced down and immediately saw the source of his interest; several business cards bristled from the stack and held his rapt attention. No bison pate for my boy, no siree! His favorite snack in the world is business cards. And he has a preference, too – he loves his mom’s and dad’s cards, but will leave my best friend’s and her husband’s cards for last.
So I did what any good dog parent would do – I handed my dog a business card. And spent the rest of the night pondering how on Earth I ended up the Peg Bundy of pet parents.
Can you believe? An entire year with no posts, and then I just show up – out of the blue – with a post about boobs. Maybe my male readership will increase….
Anyway, I just ordered my first Jockey volumetric bra. If you haven’t heard of it, Jockey is trying to bring the accuracy of professional bra fitting to the comfort of one’s home. The idea is that one can get a more accurate fit by measuring the volume of the breast, rather than a one-size-fits-all cup size. To do that, Jockey has a Fit Kit, which includes 10 flexible, plastic bra cups and a measuring tape.
I watched a demonstration on the Today show and it seemed easy enough, so I ordered a kit. It arrived on Thursday but I wasn’t able to measure until today. (I wisely waited until everyone was out of the house.)
The lady on the Today show said one is supposed to “drop” their breast tissue into the cup. If the cup fits snugly without any gaps or spillage, that’s your size. She demonstrated on a small mannequin with pert breasts that couldn’t have been larger than a B cup.
I am a big-busted girl (thanks Mom!) that wears a DD under the traditional system. I am also in my 40s, which means that in addition to life’s normal aggravations, I am fighting gravity on top of everything else. (See what I did there?)
After stripping to the waist, I started with the 7 cup. Let me tell you, that did nothing for my self-esteem. First of all, because breast tissue at this age is more like a slightly deflated water balloon, I positioned the cup down around my navel and scooped up, trying to cram the breast in there. Since that didn’t seem to be giving the type of results that they demonstrated on the Today show, I next went to a bent-from-the-waist position to let my breasts hang and then try to pin them against my now-upright chest with the cup. Fail. I briefly considered lifting my breast up and dropping it into the cup, but decided against it as there was a real chance that kind of force hitting my hand could dislocate something.
I went through the booby-dance again – multiple times – with sizes 8,9, and even 10, which is big enough for me to wear as a winter hat. Still couldn’t get the results that the Today show lady did. I did, however, learn at size 9 that my breast, which used to retain a nice slope even if pressed on it directly from the front, now folds. At this point, I’m seriously considering a drink, even though it’s barely past lunchtime.
In desperation, I watched the video again. I noticed that the live model they used is in a bra. So I tried with my traditional bra on, which holds them in the shape that they used to be able to maintain all by themselves. Viola! I finally got the results that the lady with the mannequin got.
Measuring the band size was easy and didn’t require any contortions -I just wrapped the measuring tape around my upper rib cage, just under the breasts, and took note of the number.
Finally, I had my size. In relief, I went to the Jockey site to order the $60 bra (they sent me a $20 off coupon) and they didn’t have it in the color I wanted – nude – so I ordered a white one.
Thankfully, the website was nicely designed and easy to use, so actually purchasing the bra was a breeze. I also noticed that shipping and returns are free, which is good, because I’m still not confident I got the right measurement.) Still, after all that trauma, I feel like the website should have paid me. 🙂
In conclusion, while I do think that this is probably a more accurate way to order a bra, it’s probably not geared towards older women (i.e. sagging) or larger-women (i.e. fat.) If they could make the process of measuring my bra size as easy as taking my money, then we’d have a winner.Still, it’s not any more difficult than the current way of shopping for bras, which is try on 43 and buy one. By moving the trauma of bra-shopping to the home, they’ve at least made it more convenient.
That’s right, folks. Not only is Erma Bombeck alive and well, she’s blogging. Yep. And *I* found her blog! Of course, she goes by a different name now – Bee Repartee. That’s to be expected – otherwise the IRS would find her and they have no humor about skipping out on taxes.
She’s maybe a little more twisted and cynical now- but hey, you survive dying and see if it doesn’t change you. Unlike the IRS – or really any government entity – her humor’s still there, though and the wit just as sharp as ever. I must caution you though – don’t consume beverages while reading her blog unless you want to spray them out of your nose. (True story.)
The other blog I was recently turned on to is reminiscent of Erma/Bee’s writing style but that’s where the similarity ends. The blog is called Diary of a Mad Mom (we’ll just call our blogger ‘Mad Mom’ for short) and it recounts a woman surviving her husband’s suicide, being robbed and kidnapped the morning of his funeral, and trying to raise 3 small kids in the aftermath. (Yes, seriously, that really happened, which coincidentally, is the name of the blog.
Being a mom in normal circumstances is hard enough. Mad Mom’s blog is searingly honest as she recounts her attempts to pick up the ruins of her life while taking care of three children under the age of 11. To quote Mad Mom, “Sometimes it’s dark, sometimes it’s funny, sometimes it’s completely inappropriate. But it’s always therapeutic.” And compelling. Like “stay up all night because you can’t tear your eyes away” compelling. So plan to spend some time.
Diary of a Mad Woman (Seriously, This Really Happened) can be found here: http://bit.ly/IQOtfd
There are now less than fourteen days until Mother’s Day. Twelve to be exact. For you last minute gift-givers, an Amazon Prime membership might be a good investment. For $79 a year, you get free two-day shipping or $3.99 overnight shipping on eligible items. (Free video streaming, the Kindle Lending Library, and other benefits are also included.)
Choose a Prime membership and you can put off buying that Mother’s Day gift until Friday, May 11th and still get something there in time. They’ve even dedicated a page to help you find that perfect Mother’s Day gift, although I caution you not to give their suggestions too much credence. I personally think that giving a Dyson for Mother’s Day is a sucky idea. (Ha! Get it? Vacuum – suck? I kill myself.) A better idea is the Kindle reader, starting at just $79.
A better idea, although it does require a little more forethought, is to get yourself a SendOutCards subscription. Any mother would be thrilled to open her mailbox and find a greeting card featuring photos of her kids and grand kids, especially if it was accompanied by a gift. ( I personally recommend one of the many photo gifts and/or the brownies.)
SendOutCards is affordable, starting at just $9.99 a month. There are over 17,000 templates to choose from, or design your own using online elements and uploading your own photos and artwork. The best part, though, is that cards and gifts can be scheduled ahead of time. So if you’re the type to forget Mother’s Day, create the card and add the gift when you’re thinking about it, and then schedule it to get there on time. (Set-it-and-forget-it gifting. What will they think of next?)
Here’s the card that I designed for my mom – it took less than a minute to create. I chose one of the SendOutCards PicturePlus templates, dropped a couple of photos of her favorite people in the world (her kids and grandkids), and voila! A card! A few more clicks and I can add brownies and have the package mailed in time for Mother’s Day. Easy, fast, and affordable. My favorite trifecta!
If you don’t use all of your credits for Mother’s Day, don’t worry – they’re good for a year and they roll over. In addition to birthdays, June brings graduations and Father’s Day, too, so you’ll have plenty of occasions to use those points.
I blog of gadgets and digital hijinks.